Why anger is healthy (and how to stop fearing it).

Why anger is healthy (and how to stop fearing it).

So many of us have been conditioned to fear anger. We fear our own anger, the anger of our boss, of our parents, or of people in our societies.

But anger, when fully felt and expressed in a healthy way, is nothing to fear. In fact, anger is a powerful pointer within us that a change needs to occur. Some of the greatest changes in our society have occurred due to the collective anger of many.

Yet when anger comes from unconscious reacting, it can be harmful. Wars, abuse, murder, and other atrocities can be an extreme reaction to anger. So is anger destructive or constructive? The key difference between the two is our level of awareness.

So how can we become aware and work WITH our anger instead of reacting to it or shutting it down?

1.   Acknowledge and feel your anger.

The first (and often the hardest) step towards accepting and not fearing anger is to actually acknowledge that we feel angry and then to really feel our anger. If anger is suppressed it will manifest itself in other ways. When we push down our anger due to the unconscious or conscious belief that anger is unacceptable, we stifle an aspect of the human experience.

Perhaps we had parents who didn’t express their own anger and feared losing control. Maybe our family culture lived by the motto of ‘peace at any price.’ We might have been punished for expressing any emotions that upset the status quo of the family dynamic.

Or perhaps we grew up in a family where angry outbursts were commonplace. Maybe the parental figures had very little self-control, blowing up over what seemed random therefore causing us to walk on eggshells. We may have lived in a highly sensitive state afraid of rocking the boat and invoking wrath. As a result of our tumultuous upbringing we unconsciously re-create a cycle of rage within our own family unit unsure of how to stop.

Whatever our family’s dynamic, we are often conditioned to believe that anger is a big fat NO NO. It’s not anger itself that is harmful. Anger is a feeling and as the spiritual teacher and Tibetan Buddhist Pema Chodron says, feelings are merely “unobstructed energy.” It’s the suppression or over reaction to anger that causes harm. Suppressing anger can manifest into someone who feels victimized, hypersensitive, anxious, a perfectionist or all of the above. Suppressing anger may eventually lead to chronic physical ailments. On the flip side, if we are constantly ruled by our anger (overreacting) we cause stress in our bodies and suffering in our homes.

When anger begins to stir, our conditioned reaction may be to either shut the feeling down (distracting ourselves or feeling victimized and hurt) or to immediately react (shouting, name calling, screaming, or blaming).  Neither of these options is truly feeling the actual energy of anger.  To feel the energy of anger we need to recognize and experience the physical and energetic sensations in our body.

2. Practicing pausing.

When we observe ourselves we can begin to catch that first stirrings of anger. Practice pausing (even if it is only for a few seconds) to just sit in the physical sensations of the anger without immediately trying to shut down or react.  Does the feeling begin in your chest (mine does!) or head? Maybe you start to breath shallowly and tense your shoulders. Simply pause and notice. Remember not to beat yourself up if you find you react way more than you pause. Lucky for us life offers plenty of opportunities to practice building our presence muscle!

3..   Observe your thoughts and feelings.

Begin observing your thoughts and feelings. When we consistently watch ourselves, we will begin to see a pattern of anger emerging. We notice what triggers us and when.  Have dialogue with your anger. Get out a notebook and ask yourself:

Am I angry because I feel my boundaries are being disregarded?

Am I angry because I’m feeling ignored or unappreciated?

Am I angry because I’m feeling disrespected?

Am I angry because I need more sleep?

Am I angry because I’m seeking approval and validation outside of myself?

What is the root of my anger around this issue? Is it from a teacher or parent or friend?

4. Take the necessary action.

Once we identify the why of our anger we can then ask ourselves if there is any action we can take to create a positive change. This takes courage. When we courageously use the energy of anger towards change, an inner freedom occurs. This courageous action may be to address the person who crossed a boundary or to recognize we need to set new boundaries for ourselves and consistently enforce them. It may be as simple as reframing our thinking or going to bed an hour earlier each night.

Courageous action may be asserting more self care and making time to practice healthy outlets for stress relief such as physical exercise, meditation, acupuncture, yoga or booking regular therapy sessions.

5.   Accept anger as a natural part of the human experience.

To be human means we are graced with experiencing a wide range of feelings. Uncomfortable feelings are a part of our humanness. When we can accept that discomfort is a natural part of life, we free ourselves from the expectation that life should constantly make us feel happy. We can accept that sometimes things will occur that will point us to areas that need to change. Anger is like a huge inner neon sign blinking at us shouting “HEY YOU! A shift in perspective, attitude and/or action is needed here!” 

Anger can be the energetic fuel for change. Let yourself experience anger. If you tend to stifle your anger you may not even know what anger feels like.  Practice diligent self awareness. Eventually something will make you angry. It might even manifest as another feeling first (like extreme sadness or loneliness). Keep investigating!

If your anger feels out of control, find a conscious therapist who can hold space for you and can help you navigate those feelings.

Use the emotional energy of anger to be a motivator of courageously changing your inner and outer world. You are worth the effort.